so the past few days have been really hard for me. i'm missing chris so much. all i can think about is how badly i want to be around him. i want nothing more than to be in the same place with him. i don't care if i'm living an hour or two away from him, it's better than more than 2,000 miles away. when i go to the store and see other couples walking around, holding hands, it kills me because i can't wait until i have that with chris.
i have 19 days until i get to spend 5 days with him. i'm so excited that i get to see him and spend time with him. but at the same time i'm dreading having to come back. i know that it's stupid and probably really foolish but i have this huge feeling that i'm not gonna want to come back. i'm gonna want to stay there with him and coming home is going to be the hardest thing ever. i think it's so hard because i know how little we're going to be able to see each other if our relationship goes on. i can't move out there for at least 2 1/2 years probably more and between now and then who knows how many times a year we'll be able to see each other. that is definitely one of the hardest things ever.
but i can't wait to spend time with him. i love being able to skype with him but sometimes that's just not enough. i want to be able to interact with him physically. not like making out with him, but i can't wait to see how we are when we're around each other. i can't wait to see if he's really what i think is. i want to know if he's really this sweet and nice and caring. i strongly believe he is but i just want to interact with him on the next level. i want to see what it feels like to have his arms around me, to hold his hand while we go shopping. i want to know what it feels like to cuddle with him. i can't wait for 19 days to go by so ill get to experience those things.
he always tells me to not be sad that we aren't physically with each other. he tells me that he's in my heart and i know he is, but it's still not the same. it's not the same as really having him here. it's not the same as him giving me a huge hug telling me that everything is gonna be fine when i'm stressed out. it's not the same as feeling his arms around me while i'm trying to fall asleep. i'm trying to not be a bummer all the time but sometimes it's really hard. it's hard to not want those things and to not be sad that i can't have him right now.
he keeps telling me to be strong but honestly i'm tired of being strong. i'm always strong and sometimes i don't want to be anymore. i want to be weak. i want to cry because i don't have the guy i love with me.
i know that soon we'll be together and i absolutely can't wait for that day.
